heavy morning

Hello..its been heavy upon my heart ever since I fell asleep...think last night I hung all the clothes and I was dead beat tired so I slept right away. Its was like my eyes were battling to keep awake and I could feel the protest of my body- You need to rest! My heart was heavy...found out that one of the members had probably had been lying to us all these few years. Its sad you know....why are the generation of Christians now so shallow and hard 2 be influenced? Ben was right...he said that nowadays we seldom hear of any of the youths wanting to die for Jesus, wanting to be missionary. wanting to give their all to Jesus...Lord, what is happening? My heart beats 2 c e youths soar with the Lord...I wanna c disciples raised, I wanna c people who r fervent and passionate for Jesus raised out from me, I wanna c youths rise 2 c their potential and live 4 the Lord!
K, coming back 2 all e heaviness I mentioned in line 1....I dreamt of the member again. I think its anxiety that I'm experiencing. I don't seem to know how to discipline my thoughts and emotions when it comes 2 e ple ard me being in trouble or 'not right' in their spiritual life, especially members. I woke up today...felt such a dread inside of me...I hate 2 repeat but I can't seem 2 find better words 2 describe...it sucha sense of heaviness within me.
But Nick was nice, he sent me an sms which brought a smile 2 my face...it was like: "Wow, I never knew Nick would say such things!" hahahahahaha.....Nick if U r reading, sorry la....this is where I wanna express myself freely so pardon me k? =)
Lord, I struggle 2 forgive. Ps Suz said I need 2 forgive myself 1st b4 talking abt forgiving the other party. I felt its so difficult....this sense of injustice, sense of betrayal I felt is so much stronger and real than what I know in my mind that the Lord would want me to do. Its so easy 2 tell my members not to harbor any unforgivness 2wards someone.....now I'm tasting it. I need 2 let go of my rights. I probably need 2 talk it out with the person I felt offended by. I need 2 release forgivness....Lord please help me. I've seen Your grace in my life, I've tasted of Your goodness, mercy and love....so therefore I must set myself free from this...

I'm forgiven because You were forsaken

I'm accepted, You were condemned

I'm alive and well

Your spirit lives within me

Because You died and rose again

Amazing love how can it be

That You my King would die for me

Amazing love I know its true

Its my joy to honour You

In all I do, I honor You

This is a song that speaks of the love and works of Christ for me. I dun wanna grow accustomed or familiar with it but I wanna let the words melt away the grudge against myself...